Sandee…I Will Survive

My life has been busy … lots going on in my life. I will begin with the best news of all… last CT scan show decrease in tumor size & fluid accumulation in the lungs. Jay & I were beyond thrilled when we received the news, it had been so long since we had positive results. Xeloda has been doing its magic, praying that it will continue.

Jay & I bought a beautiful new home on 40 thousand square feet of land. We move in July 1st! Can’t wait … I promise you pictures!

Next weekend I am off to Vancoouver BC for the Scientific Canadian Breast Cancer Conference. Once again Avon Canada is sponsoring me, I am acting as co-chair on one of the plennary sessions. I am honored If any of my friends are in the Vancouver area the 24-25 & 26th of April please let me know, maybe we can meet for coffee

Our oldest son moved out, he bought a condo, I had a little trouble after the move, I am doing better now but still miss his daily presence.

We had to put our Doberman Meike to sleep, he was 13 & not doing very well Seeing him suffer was heartreaking, I know it was the best thing for him but I sure miss the my old guy :*(

Between packing, moving, traveling & kicking cancer boutay … I will try to update more frequently

Random thought: I love you Sue, you are in my daily thoughts & prayers.

***Today I am thankful for my awesome results***

I am sorry I made some of you worry… I’m fine!

The death of my cousin really broke me down emotionally, even if I know he is no longer suffering, I still struggle with the fact that he is no longer in this life … he really wanted to live, he really wanted to beat this! Hope he is looking after all those who love him.

Still doing well on Xeloda (chemo) I am slowly beginning to feel like myself again, If I weren’t bald, most people would have a hard time believing that I am ill. The last CT scan even showed a slight improvement in my lungs… hope it continues!

Another reason for my lack of posts is my dad’s health. He had been complaining about a weird unexplainable feeling in his head for the past 4 months… one day last week, as he took his usual walk to buy his newspaper, he fainted! He was rushed to ER by ambulance, CT scan showed some bleeding in his brain which as since gotten better, the week he spent in the hospital was stressful to say the least. He is now home, awaiting more tests & complaining about pain from the fall… thank goodness he didn’t break anything! We still don’t know why this happened?!?!

Random thought: Missing Tony :*(

***Today I am thankful that my daddy is okay***

Tony 1955-2007

After a courageous 30 month battle with a malignant brain tumor (GBM) my cousin Tony passed away surrounded with his loving family.  He was & will always be “my Hero”, together we promised that we would not go down without a fight… what a fight!  He kept his promise & so will I.  My heart goes out to his wife & kids, this parents, brother, extended family & friends.  Goodnight Cuz, I love you! 

Tony’s obituary

Random thought:  Growing up with Tony was awesome, he was the brother my sisters & I always wished for

***Today I am thankful that my life was touched by Tony***

The ravages of cancer comes with many emotions… unfortunately most not good at all.  Somedays the unknown drives you mad, somedays the fear is so overwhelming that it makes you cry, somedays the future is bleak, somedays the pain is unbearable, somedays the self pity shows on your face, somedays the pettiness around you makes you wonder if they ever get it.   Thankfully there are still those random days that make you want you live, not for yourself but for those who love you.

Although this week has been full…. a concert, a cancer fundaiser & a girls night out, I can’t help but have these true feelings of anger

*I’m angry that I have to wake up thinking of cancer!

*I’m angry that I go to sleep thinking of cancer!

*I’m angry that the cancer will eventually kill me!

*I’m angry that my kids may loose their mom!

*I’m angry that this happens to children too!

*I’m angry that my cousin Tony is no longer able to talk or walk!

*I’m angry that his brain tumor has stolen everything from him!

*I’m angry that I have to take pain meds to function everyday!

*I’m angry that I have been living this hell for 9 years!

*I’m angry that some people sweat the petty stuff!

*I’m angry that some are so shallow & don’t realize what they’ve got!

*I’m angry that I may not live to see my kids get married!

*I’m angry at people that are demanding of me… I’m sick dammit!

*I’m angry at those that complain about their hair … I have none!!!!!!!!

*I’m angry at people that complain or show off about body image when my cousin is laying in bed & doesn’t even have the words to ask for water less alone complain … his wife is contantly guessing! 

*I’m angry that cancer took away my sweet Andrea 4 years ago today!

*I’m angry that it took Lori at such a tender age!

I’m so freaking angry…. I can’t breathe…. so I’ll stop!

Random thought: I seem to be on a different planet than others, they don’t seem to get “it” and it drives me bananas!

Note to: Tony, you are my Hero & I love you more that words, my last visit with you was so emotional, you lay there so strong & so brave… I just want to take it all away from you.  You were given quite a big cross to bear, it doesn’t seem fair.  Since you have been ill, I have trouble with people complaining or venting about everythhing & have trouble not showing that it bothers me!  You my hero are here for a reason, many have learned from us both but it’s sad that some never will

***Today I am thankful for Tony***

I am so very sad, my online friend Lori passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer.  She was a true warrior, I will never forget her beautiful face & her amazing spirit.  My thoughts are with her husband Cary & her family.   Lori, I sure hope you’re dancing with those Angels… I love you!

Random Thought:  I’ll never understand

***Today I am thankful to have crossed paths with Lori***

I have lots to share since my last post …

The Marc Anthony-Jennifer Lopez concert was amazing, my sisters and I had fun except security was on my case all night long.  Before the show started, they stopped me for having a water bottle (which I need to take my meds), I guess they thought I hid booze in it.  Later on, they took away my camera (should of listened to jay & bring my small camera, I only got to take a few pics :(  not one one pic of Jennifer which is a shame cause she looked fabulous & she is SOOOO PREGNANT!!!  10PM came along, it was time for me to take my Xeloda (chemo pills) my sister got nervous cause she thought security was gonna stop us again… this time with drug possesion hahahaha!   To end the night with a bang, someone hit my sister’s car in the parking lot … they exchanged not-so-nice words & we were off to my parents house for our sister sleepover!  It was definately a night I will never forget.  *pics*

Our daughter Stephany had her highschool convocation, she graduated from the International Program (with honors) she also recieved 2 different scholership awards… we were very proud. I was crying uncontrolably when they called her up, we had no idea. *pics*

I also got to visit with my friend Colleen, we hadn’t seen each other since her birthday party in August (I have yet to upload those pics).  Although we frequently speak on the phone, it was nice to spend the afternoon with her & her new labrador “Merlin”  *pics*

I also saw Dr. L on Tuesday after my MUGA scan, the results from my bone scan were in & they were not-so-bad!  She said that besides a minor change on my T3 … there was not much change compared to the one I had in July 2005 *phew*  Doc also said that my lungs sounded better than they did 3 weeks ago, hmmmm could Xeloda be that miracle drug?!?!?! 

Random thought:  I feel content

***Today I am thankful & proud of Stephany***

Feeling a little lonely these days so I am looking forward to my weekend outing.  Our big sis Rita is taking my baby sis Lucy & myself to the Marc Anthony/Jennifer Lopez Concert here in downtown Montreal.  I am excited to spend quality time with my sisters & we’ve decided to all sleep at my parent’s house like good old times… can’t wait!

My breathing is not getting much better & this makes me nervous, it happens mostly when I lay on my back or when I do too much. 

Being that it’s October, BC Awareness is everywhere you look, although it feels great to know that such great things are being done for my disease, I am also sadened that not the same effort is aimed at other cancers like brain for example… sigh 

I would like to thank my friend Dianne for the beautiful tribute she made for me on a local radio station here in Montreal… as soon as I figure out how to put it up here I will.  Dianne, I love you girl *hugs*

For those asking me for more pics of our trip to Niagara, I did put some more up HERE but still have plenty more, so stay tuned… keeping the funniest for last….lol

After a well deserved week off chemo, I’m back on Xeloda for another 2 weeks as of this Thursday.  I saw Dr.L on Monday, she seemed to be pleased that this new chemo has not affected my hands & feet but I say it’s too soon to tell… I did well on the first few treatments of the last chemo too.  Nothing new to report healthwise, at this point only CT scans will show us the true story & the next one is scheduled for November.  My breathing is still not great, I get exhausted easily but I remain positive that this new chemo agent will do the trick.  *fingers crossed*

Jay is taking me away again this weekend, he got us a huge Camper equiped with a full kitchen, bathroom/shower & closed bedroom.  I’ve never camped before but after seeing the camper, I don’t think it’ll be too bad…lol   Seems he rented a beautiful spot by the water… you know I’ll take pics…lol

Random thought:  I wish I could sleep UGH!

***Today I am thankful for alone time with Jay***

I just finished 2 weeks of chemotherapy (Xeloda) … I am now off for a well deserved 7 days.  Besides some dizziness & nausea, my body is not doing too badly on this drug (hope I’m not jinxing it)  only time will tell I guess.  My lungs stilll don’t feel right, can’t wait to see what the next scan will show … waiting is the worse!

My weekend in Niagara Falls was awesome, the Falls were beautiful and soothing, Jay & I got to visit 2 wax museums & an exotic bird sactuary but besides the Falls, not much else to see in Niagara.  I have started to post some pictures… I have lots more to add … so come back, some are quite funny!  Kayla spent the weekend with my sis-in-law Christine, who is always ready to make life easier for me… love you Chris!

Last night I was invited as a Special Guest at the annual “Avon Banquet” we had a nice dinner & I was surounded with people who love me :)   Diane, thank you for all that you’ve done for me this year, you are a wonderful woman & I am glad to call you my friend, I adore you!

Random thought:  UGH… I need a maid!

***Today I am thankful for still feeling well enough to travel***

Ok the crying is out of the way… back to slaying! 

Besides feeling ridiculously tired & my breathing still impaired … I am doing reasonably well on this new chemo drug … it’s only been a week so I guess it’s still too soon to tell if my body will continue to tolerate it *fingers crossed*  It goes without say that this week has been a very difficult one, but with the amazing support of my friends & family I’m back to giving it all I’ve got.  My cousin Tony is not doing well either, the brain tumor is robbing his life slowly & it breaks my heart, his wife Pia is always right there beside him hanging on to every shred of Hope … It’s the only way too get through the days. Pia is his voice, arms, hands & legs & she does it all on her own in the name of Love.  We, the family are so grateful Tony has his Angel.  Love you Pia!

On a much happier note, my amazing Jay is taking me away for the weekend, we are off to Niagara Falls for the weekend, with a minor pit stop in Buffalo.  His timing is impecable, We leave at 2pm today, he always knows what I need, I think I’ll keep him hahaha

Random thought:  Overwhelmed with the incredible online comments, they make me happy.  Thank you my sweet friends, I love you.

***Today I am happy Im off to Niagara Falls!!!!***